Taking advantage

 At the time of this story I was a first year student nurse, in my fourth week of a hospital placement. I could have, essentially, been described as an eager to please, push over. I don't mean to stereotype but old men have been known to take advantage of nurses/nursing assistants/student nurses for the sake of laziness or just to get a sponge bath from a young lady. Sneaky buggers. Now, this gentleman I am still unsure of his capabilities. He was paralysed from the waist down and during his morning wash managed to clean his top half and asked for assistance on his lower half. I believe this to be absolutely fair enough. Here I am nervously gloved up with wet, soapy hands cleaning his legs, bum and man parts. He then asked me the question I had been dreading since the start of my training. "Could you clean under my foreskin, please?" It's part of my job to oblige. So I reiterate, here I am with wet, soapy, shaking hands. I pull said foreskin back, when he then decides to inform me of how tight it is and I might have a job getting it back up over the head of his manhood. I clean, I dry and I try to pull it back up. No dice. It felt like and eternity, but I was stood there for a good few minutes, turning more and more red, attempting to inch this man's foreskin back his penis. WET, SOAPY GLOVES. Eventually he offers his assistance and does it himself pretty quickly. This is when I make my quick exit and take a minute to contemplate, that if he could reach to help... he could have helped a lot sooner and he also could have washed his own effing knob. It dawns on me that I have essential given a seventy year old man a hand job. Although, in the spirit of charity it's one for his wank bank. Timid nurse gets liberal with her soapy fingers. 

And I said embarrassing things don't happen often...

Friday night I returned back to my university town after the Christmas holidays. I used the time off to detoxify myself from men for a while and in my world this means being abstinent for a good few weeks. Five to be precise. Frankly, I didn't find this too difficult but decided to celebrate my return to university with a big bang. Quite literally. I would love to put a winky emoticon in there to emphasise my terrible pun but I feel that might ruin my fantastic reputation...
Moving on quickly. After lots of rapid drinking at a house party we arrived at a club in the student union. I had (very innocently) befriended a young man who took it upon himself to buy me drinks. This was idiotic on my part, I lost count somewhere after the fourth. Might I add that I was buying my self 'fireball' shots which, I later discovered, was some sort of potent whiskey. To say the least I was quite inebriated and after some unsubtle scouting latched myself onto a group of strapping young men. Without much decorum I promptly suctioned my face onto some poor chap.
This is when things get a bit hazy; my tale from here on out is what I have managed to stick together from my patchy memories and my friends side of things. 
I can be almost certain that I uttered some filthy nothings in his ear which almost definitely involved this words 'pound' 'me' and 'now'. Unsurprisingly we exited the club together, quick sharp. Now I don't know how or how long it took, but I found myself in my bed, electric blanket on, absolutely starkers with an equally bare man next to me. He mentioned the word 'sick' which made something deep within me stir, I really wish I could tell you that it was my loins, but alas it was my stomach. I swiftly, and oh so gracefully, threw myself out of bed and hurled my way into the kitchen and then hurled some more down the sink. God knows why, when the toilet is closer, but I may have been trying to preserve some dignity by saving him from hearing me expel my entire stomach contents from the mouth he had just had his tongue in. I can reliably inform you that said sprinting and hurling may have happened perhaps another 3 times before we finally got jiggy with it. I think the poor lad tried to make a clean break at one point but I coerced him into staying by assuring him of my own sexual prowess. Poor poor boy.We definitely engaged in coitus but it can have only been anything but spectacular. Five am post-vomit sex is never a winner. 
Long story short we slept, he tried it on and I proceeded to up-chuck once again. He then made the best decision of his life and got the hell out of dodge. I somehow made my way back to bed to puke some more, where I was then disturbed by prospective tenants looking around my flat. Unbeknownst be me there happened to be a used condom, accompanying wrapper and a bin full of sick in the middle of my bedroom floor. Needless to say they gave me some funny looks when they left. Student house, what do you expect people?! 
When I eventually surface at around three pm I had no recollection of the man who had been my bed partner that night. It took a groggy phone call to my friends, the condom on the floor and some Hollywood style flash backs to piece together what had happened. Cue shame and professing that I will never drink again. 
So here I am two days later and I pop to my local Sainsburys; elegantly sporting pyjamas, a massive coat, Uggs, black ringed eyes and bed hair. Looking my absolute finest. Upon entry I am stopped by the security guard and told to take my hood down. It's snowing man, chill! Anyway, I spot quite a nice looking man stood behind the checkout and it hits me like a massive punch in the kisser. Oh yes, it's Mr Vomit. Unfortunately for me I have already drawn attention to myself and then proceeded to draw even further attention when I tried to stuff a £50 note (Christmas donations to the student fund) into the self-checkouts despite the obvious signs indicating that you can't. Mr Vomit then to came to cancel my transaction and serve me personally at his till. I stood ruddy faced with embarrassment staring at my feet while, I have been informed, he equally avoided eye contact, whilst all the time my lovely house mates stand guffawing behind me. Then just as he did a few nights before, I got the hell out as fast as I fucking could.